The Beginning Of The End
The Moment I realized that anyone can and everyone will step on you if you let them.
You walked out your back to me
a move you have perfected
you cannot face reality
so I sit again rejected
I tried to talk you will not hear
ultimatum is your choice
my pleading falls upon deaf ear
no room for my voice
you speak to me with hatred
you’re sick of me you say
you tear into my soul
and then you run away
and in my isolation
it’s you I long for most
not know you are thrilled
and of my pain you boast
I call upon a friend
to bare my breaking soul
but, you’ve already drafted her
to lie to me her role
“I’m sorry” she says earnestly
“I really haven’t time”
“I have to leave and go to work”
a secret shared sublime
and with a click I’m all alone
to your pleasure I am sure
you thank her for deceiving me
a satisfaction pure
and as she smiles and drives away
and you return to smoke
she has the time to make a call
and share your little joke
and now I sit, walk, and stand
searching for the sense
while you show with gesture grand
my insignificance
I’m calling you in fear and pain
your voice I need to hear
and each attempt, though in vain
brings a rowdy cheer
your audience of children
garner your respect
enjoying my exclusion
on my pain you reflect
now I do not know your happy
or that you’re passing smoke
I do now know my misery
brings laughter with the toke
and so I sit here destitute
wishing you were near
imagination driving me
to ponder every fear
are you safe, are you hurt
my anguish ever growing
but you are having fun
and my pain has got you glowing
so now my fear is driving me
in desperation’s throng
I call another friend, I think
and tell her something’s wrong
I tell her of my fear and doubt
of how my heart is breaking
I do not know you laugh it up
at my expense partaking
but very soon, I understand
your happiness is true
you’ve proven with outright command
just what I mean to you
and while I know humility
this hour in degrees
you’ve one last dagger holding back
to bring me to my knees
and so you call with voice serene
your ignorance is feigned
your laughter through my crying
not entirely restrained
and then as if my role were queued
you put me on display
my darkest moment aired for all
you’ve truly won this day
so to you congratulations
though you may wonder why
for it was game to you
that a piece of me shall die
I hope that you are proud
and that my heart was worth
the cruelty you shared
in a smoking session’s mirth
and I hope your friends enjoyed
laughing at my pain
that with the price I paid in dignity
in their eyes you gain.
(2004)
written during what was, to date, the darkest time in my life. I was forced to accept that people, regardless of their intelligence or awareness, can be such cowards in life. I am not sure how some people even live with themselves. But I now know that everything is a stepping stone toward a better life
