Just Beyond Your Circle
Written to those whom, at the time of this writing, I thought were my friends and considered my family.
In all the many years
and travels of my life
I’ve shed my share of tears
and bore decision’s strife
but, a week ago today
my heart was thrown away
and I’m doing what I can
to take it like a man
it’s a road I’ve never trod
a new and bitter pill
that my heart is easy target
fodder for the kill
that in each of you I saw
a loving port in storm
a kindred camaraderie
where heart was safe and warm
but life will teach us lessons
and I’ve learned so acutely
that I am not one of you
who jabbed so resolutely
I have come to understand
I am to listen and not speak
that because I will not bend
I am trivial and weak
I know that I was wrong
and I understand my place
is to bow to the bong
and never show my face
that importance is assigned
to those who come to pass
that I do not indulge
so I must be the ass
that my ranking in the group
is easily assigned
that the dutchie rules the troop
and that I am misaligned
that I should come to none of you
with problems of my own
or expect your understanding
when I feel alone
and as my eyes have opened
an awakening complete
I am happy to admit
that I cannot compete
so I’m picking up the pieces
of who I used to be
and accepting that I have no place
in what I once called we
and this evaluation
is perhaps proactive leap
to affect my preservation
and help me build my keep
but I must make admittance
of facts I could not see
that reaching out is vain
when there’s no one there but me
I know now my pain was mine
and entertainment for the toke
I know my trust and reaching out
only fed the joke
I’m sorry for expecting
that you value me the same
I don’t pass to left or right
so I must be to blame
I know that I must quietly
endure my own as mine
keep the pain inside of me
and toe my scripted line
I know that I am friend in need
and that my own are moot
I realize that in your eyes
reciprocation doesn’t suit
my lessons though distasteful
I hope will make me strong
and keep me from becoming
all that I see as wrong
for I know I cannot trust
acceptance on condition
that who I am is who I am
not an aberration
so with this life’s epiphany
I vow to you anew
that I love you all implicitly
for that is what I do
and I shall never burden
nor strain your circle’s bond
I’ll keep my pain in check
with me just beyond.
(2004)
written during what was, to date, the darkest time in my life. I was forced to accept that people, regardless of their intelligence or awareness, can be such cowards in life. I am not sure how some people even live with themselves. But I now know that everything is a stepping stone toward a better life
