One Year
For PAC
I drank a toast to you tonight
And said a prayer
Remembering bittersweetly
The last time you were here
The distance in your eyes
That I mistook for you just being tired
It never even occurred to me then to fear
I drank a toast to you tonight
And said your name
Wondering for the millionth time
If I was somehow to blame
Wondering again how I can ever be the same
After having loved and lost so cruelly
It still seems like a dream
I drank a toast to you tonight
And thought about the things
I pray I never will forget
And all the little daydreams
That have since become regrets
The things I took as promises
That I wonder now if you ever really meant
I drank a toast to you tonight
And wished I could go back in time
To March 2009
To say or do anything
That may have changed your mind
To have stopped you at the thought
Before you ever crossed that line
I drank a toast to you tonight
The thought had come
That no amount of Coke and no amount of rum
Could ever make me numb
Enough to forget the thing that you have done
After all the things we said
After all we’d started to become
I drank a toast to you tonight
And wondered what was going through your head
When you decided you’d be better dead—
One year ago today you just gave up
You had told me that you wanted me
Then left me crying in my cup
Some days I’m so mad at you
I just want to beat you up
But most of the time I just miss you
Too damn much...
(2010)
