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The Night That Could've Ended It All
Agony, failure, regret, hate
Wanting to be punished
She staggers through the house
Trying to find the answer
She hates who she is
Who she has become
This isn’t what she planned
She is a disappointment
An ugly waste
She doesn’t deserve this blessed life
That she has been given
The only way to make the pain stop is to end it herself
Here in this cold, lonely house
Tonight
It is the only way
She shouldn’t be here
She stumbles into the kitchen
Eyes blurred through her tears
And chooses her weapon
She falls to the floor trembling, hyperventilating
Scared, but determined to end it all tonight.
This is the answer
She holds the knife to her shaking wrist
The silver glistening from the light overhead
She takes a deep breath
And opens the soft flesh
Just a graze
She slashes and slashes
Trying so hard to find the courage to cut the depth required
She screams a gutted, aching frustration
Her arm
Red raw
Bleeding halfway to the elbow
But not deep enough
Flustered
Face burning hot
Sweat dripping from her brow
She gets the knife sharpener from the top drawer
And strikes the blade sharp
One last slash
One last time
The blood drips heavy
The scar remains today
But not fatal enough
Her mind is tortured
She can’t even kill herself!
She screams; thick, painful, heartbreaking
Pulling her hair and hitting her head against the wall
Numb throbbing invading her body
Failure in life
Failure in death
She is nobody
Pushing a tissue into the open wound of her wrist
She pulls herself up
She is determined
Tonight is the night
She walks to the laundry
Looking for poison
Methylated spirits should do the trick
But she cannot bring herself to unscrew the cap
Looking at the label
She screams and throws it against the wall
Psychosis fills her
In her mind she pictures herself
Driving her car off a cliff
But her quivering hand refuses to pick up the keys
Why is it so hard?
She wants this so badly
She cannot live another day
But she is so scared
If only there was an easier way
A gun put to her temple
The trigger pulled
Ever so swiftly
Ever so quickly
Easy, successful
But she has no such contraption
That can help her in her quest of suicide
Defeated
Failed
Hopeless
Pathetic
She looks at the happy photos of herself on the fridge
Once stuck there
Proud and confident
Who is that smiling person who mimics her?
Who is this fraud?
Lies; her face is a lie
She cannot bear to look at that smiling, happy face
That girl is gone
Hating herself
Despising what she has become
She tears the photos from the fridge
Encapsulated in a flood of red rage
Hysterically ripping photo after photo
Until she is sitting on a pile of her own smiling face looking up at her
Tears stream down her cheeks
Shoulders hunched
She begins to clean the mess she has created
Numbness consumes her
Every last remnant of her past
Filled with laughter
Is thrown away in the garbage
Images torn
Her once smiling face cut in half
Time for bed
Head throbbing
Wrist aching
She lights an essential oil burner hoping that it will ease the pain inside
The light of the flame flickers on the four walls of her bedroom
Only her cat there to comfort her
She silently begins to pray
Never a religious person
The words of prayer uttered from her mouth
A grievous cry of desperation
A plea for help
In the darkest of blackest wells
She hypocritically calls on the divine
That she has ignored for so many years
And a voice whispers in her head
“Go to sleep child. All will be fine”
A crust of tears has dried on her cheeks, on her neck
She feels lightness in her heart
It is love
There is something out there that believes in her
That thinks she has a gift that the world deserves to see
Tender whispers in the night tell her she is not a failure
She is precious and holds strength and love in her heart
For that is the night when she found ‘God’
Not knowing fully what is out there
But nonetheless finding a divine force that kept her on this earth for a reason
That kept her from ending it all in one swift movement
And that in itself is worth living for
(2011)
