trial run

I’m back home now.
Sure that you have moved on -
that you are doing just fine.
Today is your day off,
it’s hot out– I wonder
what you are doing with your time.
Who you are spending it with.
How long it will take to place,
someone else in your bed.
Your roommates are coming
home soon, after a long trip.
Sure you’ll host many,
parties I won’t be invited to.
Sure you’ll be just fine.
I doubt you think of me
as much as I think of you.
Sometimes I wish to
see your smile.
But, be careful what you
wish for.
It won’t be the same way I’ve seen
it before.
It’ll be a picture of you online,
smiling at something else.
Maybe I’ll run by you in the subway,
smiling with someone else.
Or at a concert, or the museum.
In that case I hope to never see
that smile.
You really broke my heart,
you hurt me and gave me
only anxiety.
Maybe that was not your fault.
But, I couldn’t sit around waiting
for your life to unfold and mine
to just stall.
While we “were never together”
While you used me as a cushion
while you healed for the next person -
a better option to come around.
I know you didn’t see yourself
with anyone at the time.
You weren’t “ready to date.”
But when you were..
would it be me?
Was I under a trail run?
Everything a test, to see if down the
road, it could eventually be me.
See this is the thing I confront in my head.
Maybe if I didn’t argue you, maybe if I was
the perfect support you’d chose me.
I deserve someone to know its me.
You had a year and a half to figure
that one out.
And you still do not know.
Well guess what after all the uncertainty.
I chose the only certainty and consistent thing,

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