He was the son of a preacher. He ended up taking his own life. After his resurrection his thoughts came back to him.
My smiles indicate what my true self is supposed to be like. It is like an on and off switch. When someone sees me, my smile turns on automatically. When no one sees me, it turns off. I can’t let them see how miserable I really am.
Many people turn to religion because that is the thing they are supposed to do. Others just try to find happiness. If they see the elders and their families smiling, they will think that their religion works. Out of respect for my father’s preaching, I pretend that I am happy. Little do they know what my true feelings are.
If the connection between the Holy Spirit and the heart remains pure, my smiles would be a direct result of what the spirit caused it to be. That connection can’t rely on any outside stimuli to nourish it. If it does, it becomes cultivated; how the religion is supposed to affect me as opposed to how it does affect me.
To dig deep into the soul to find what it says and how to react to it is not an intellectual pursuit, but the true desire to find happiness. If that desire comes from something that forced me to find it, it won’t work. It has to be self motivated. I have to let the spirit speak for me; therefore, my true self will expose its vulnerability. If it needs counsel, then so be it.
I couldn’t show any sign of sorrow or malcontent. I had to smile, because that’s what happy people do, and my religion was supposed to make them that way. My smile shone so bright that it covered up my misery. If only someone could have seen my true self. I wouldn’t have committed suicide.
From my book entitled, "A Sage's Diary."