Old Ghost
I wanted to be kind and indifferent
I wanted to be the last light
For a while I was.
I plunged the needle deep
Old addictions die hard
I think I want it to kill me
I’ve wanted it for years
But I was always hanging on by a thread
And I never knew why.
I still don’t.
When I think about it I feel prisms
Fear and dread and justice and promise
I listened to every grievance and I felt regret
Things I was too blind and ignorant to see
But I did not look away
I’ve shredded the crutches I held on to
Every single one
I’ve destroyed everything that was solid in your absence
And you will not budge
I bow in acceptance
But I still feel the pieces chipping off
And I swim in the guilt
With one side of your mouth
I am everything just as I am
But I burn in the afterglow of your disappointment
I’m a hamster in a maze and I do not rest
But I don’t fear the sharks or the snakes
But the mites of doubt that crawl in
Through the sides of my eyes
And scratch away with every sinking day
The stars died a thousand years ago
But I still make wishes and plans on them
Because they never disappear
I am a star and a withered plum
And a bee with no stinger
I’m glad it doesn’t hurt more
The relief is disheartening
I’ve waited all this time for it to kill me
You could never live in me
You are a nomad
In the end its the things we found and loved
That will be our undoing
I don’t believe in love anymore
I know it exists. And I know it is impossible
I still don’t understand why this is bigger than me.
(2014)
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