I’m sleeping in your big comfy bed and you wake me up by holding me and kissing me and not just the cute good morning kiss, it’s the obnoxious kisses to make me laugh. you look into my eyes and I have just woken up and I’m already laughing and smiling with my retainer and you call me the most beautiful thing you have ever seen and you tell me how you are the luckiest person to be with me in bed, making me laugh. I kiss you and I feel like everything I need is right In front of me. This is what I wish things would be like again. This is my perfect vision of us again.
You showed me things that I never thought existed. That kissing someone meant more than just physical, it felt like your hearts were beating at the same pace. Looking into your eyes and seeing our world. You looking at me the way you did and how you saw in me that you could love me forever.
We could’ve had it all. The kids, the moving in together, the waking up to each other every morning. I would’ve had it all.
I always thought that we would be together. That we would be together through anything because we survived through waves and we were the rocks not being swept under. My worst dream was us not being together not seeing the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen, that beauty mark on the right side of your nose, not Hearing you say I love you every night. Hearing you say I miss you. I’m living that horrible dream, that terrifying reality. I miss your laugh and the way it was always was so genuine. I miss your hands holding mine wherever we went. I miss you showing how you loved me in just one stupid joke to the skip in your step. It is hell without you.
I wish I would’ve told you I loved you more. I wish I could’ve stopped fighting with you. I wish I could’ve made you stay. I wish I could’ve got you to hold me the night you left. There was nothing I could’ve done, huh? Maybe you were just a caged bird and you needed to be free.
I wish I could write this and say I loved you. But I love you and I miss you every single fucking day since you left. There is not one day goes by and I dont feel that pain when you left, that I don’t think of that kiss you gave me before you drove away, the sounds of my cries sounding like someone who couldn’t have been me, looking at you and seeing that world we had fell apart. You were everything to me. You hurt me, you fucked me up and I’m supposed to let go of you. I’m supposed to move on and stop loving you. I can’t, you were the one. I don’t know how to do that when that you gave me so much happiness and I don’t know how to store that away instead of holding onto them with me everyday hoping I don’t forget how your eyes crinkled when you smiled or the scar on your forehead. I know I may be nothing to you now and you don’t understand how much that breaks me. I thought that you were the one who could always treat me with the love you gave me, but you were the one who stopped showing that you ever cared about me when you drove off, when you broke me.
I love you Zachary jay valaski and I always will. I never break my promises and you did. I’ll hold up my end never expecting you to do the same.