I can not get your lips off my mind. How it felt when you kissed my neck that first time and that rush went right through me. I kissed your lips and it felt like your lips were only supposed to be on mine. Your big plump lips, were one of the most beautiful things about you. your body. It wasn’t perfect to you but God it was to me. the beauty marks all over, your soft skin that never had goosebumps. I loved always having my arms wrapped around your back, my arms feeling so safe and feeling your warm body against mine made my heart feel whole. your eyes. how they crinkled whenever you laughed, how they are so beautiful and so beautiful that they deserved to be talked about.  your eyelashes, longer than mine and I love when you would flutter them when we would kiss just to make me laugh. Your scar on your forehead that you hated, I would always kiss and touch with my fingers. your smile. it made the worst of nights make the fucking sun shine, made the world go round’. I promise you, your smile has given me hope when all I wanted to do was not exist. you. you are the most beautiful person I will ever see. how you would pick my finger nails when you were anxious, hold my hands really tight in a big crowd, how you always wanted to hear my voice to calm you down when you didn’t want to talk to anyone else, your smile would become even more beautiful when you saw my smile.
i never realized how much I loved you until I lost you. you know one day all I’m going to remember was you were my first love. I may not remember our first time, or the way you told me you loved me the first time, not being able to make the words come out. I may not remember you crying in my arms, till you couldn’t breathe. I may not remember when you told me I was only meant to be in your life. I will always remember you. one day we are going to be okay. that day right now seems like it’s never going to happen. The thought of someone loving the way you smile when you see her the way I saw you. The thought of someone loving every inch of your body like I did. the thought of someone holding you on your worst nights, looking at the beautiful scar on your forehead and beauty mark on your nose and feeling like im going to be okay as long as he is with me. those thoughts, are the toughest of us being apart. no matter how happy I am, how much I smile, no matter how much I know that I will be ok, right now it’s killing me. Imagining somebody loving you the way I did, and you loving her even more than the way you loved me. my hope now is not your smile, it’s this day. As much as I hope that this day never happens.