Seeing as I’m just the messenger It would be easier to tell you Than to show you Because words are all I’ve got But since, if I told you

Every night when Smokey Bear would tuck me in… the last thing he always said was Only you can prevent forest fires

When they shut down Ringling Bros… a down on his luck clown looked into a second career as a m… but was informed that the mimes were only accepting applications f…

One of my favorite Peloton instru… Said the following: “You don’t get stronger during the… You get stronger when you recover” By workout I take him to mean

I thought my alarm clock woke me up each day but the day I realized it had always been a false alarm was the day I realized

I survived my humiliation By treating it like a joke Through becoming a joke myself In order to in turn survive my bec… I became a running joke

We are all of us unreliable narrators Some of us just make a living at it

Capitalists and Socialists Have two things in common: Neither of them wants socialism And they both want control and pow… Capitalists want to make lots of m…

Because a man is only as good as h… you’ll know he means what he says when you see him do it But on social media a man is only his words

My dreams are no longer about wish fulfillment but about the Amazon fulfillment center

The sign used to say: Gentlemen may remove their hats All others must Now it reads: Ladies and gentlemen may wear thei…

Heart cancer is vanishingly rare because a heart of gold only spreads love, not gold while a mind of gold inevitably spreads all the way

You can’t know what you will decid… But you will know when you have de… You can’t know how you will act on… But you already know what is at st… Everything hangs in the balance;

The human brain has 100 trillion synaptic connections which sounds like a lot but it’s only 0.0000000005% of the universe’s 200 billion tril…

Denial was a lot easier when your head was in the clouds but your memories were stored on microfiche