To whom it may concern: Time travel is impossible

A charmed half-life is the time taken to lower your expectations to half their original value

My wife and I have remained happi… because she recognizes me as capta… as long as I acknowledge her as air traffic control

The high strung flaneur gives free advice to the good and good advice to the free

The stapler inevitably jams And it’s always the stapler That jams the copier Except for the times it jams When you try to copy something you…

Ours was the first all you can eat… to earn a coveted Michelin star and I always thought it was becaus… when you ordered the whole enchila… it came with bottomless fries

They say seeing is believing but believing is doing so, logically, seeing is doing and I see what you’re doing so, I know what you believe

We’ve gone from treating people as a means to an end to using them as props for pretend

The funny thing is if you’re continually nervous about getting into a wreck you become a nervous wreck and then

Our brains are just big enough to operate eight fingers and two thumbs An octopus is smart but if it also had

I finally realized that when Smokey Bear says Only you can prevent forest fires Only I really believe him

All forms of certainty are mutations of knowing that you must die which is why the true believer is always the most likely

The opposite of modest isn’t immodest, it’s honest The opposite of immodest is confident

I can’t say I have wants and needs; mainly I don’t want to be needy

Entire lives can be lived waiting for the other shoe to drop although often this just means you’re being crushed at a snail’s…