Welcome Aboard
As the new Assistant to the Deputy Vice Provost for Student Affairs
your primary initial responsibilities include:
1) Establishing détente between worrisomely confrontational vegan
and paleo dietary restriction factions
while maintaining the dining hall’s normative farm-to-table gestalt
2) Calculating return on investment for the new $15 million
Ian D. MacCormick Indoor Rock Climbing Center
via Survey Monkey and Early Decision application rates
and, most importantly,
3) Developing a job description for the
Junior Assistant to the Deputy Vice Provost for Student Affairs;
we hope to advertise the position in time to hire by mini-mester
