What I Didn't Do
Here we are again
I plead with you in pain
I tell you that I’m hurting
you say “don’t complain”
you ran away last night
and took with you my heart
your goal so very simple
to tear it all apart
you displayed it to my world
salting every gape
and paved my soul with agony
but offered no escape
you took my pain to children
trading me for smoke
and my each attempt to reach you
you turned into a joke
and while I thought I had a friend
to turn to and cry
her ear to me was deaf
and her ignorance a lie
I’m sure you smiled in confidence
the joint deception sweet
for you took away my trust
the punishment complete
now I had no outlet
and you had friends to spare
my business an open book
for all the world to share
share with them you did
swift, cruel, complete
no value to my dignity
laid at stranger’s feet
so in shame and fear I cried
and wished for only you
while you laughed at me with pride
showing all what you could do
your audience enraptured
you thrilled them with my pain
my humiliation thorough
my losses all your gain
while I sat in misery
you gleefully ignored
leaving me to shoulder
the hatred you have stored
when you finally knew my plight
you reveled in the win
another friend into the fight
you do it all again
then when you thought it timely
to pull me in the game
it wasn’t without motive
but to further my defame
you exploit my darkest moment
and place me on display
now I truly know my worth
how much I learned this day
then as if you are amazed
that your actions I despise
you answer every question
with blame lines and lies
you say that I’ve no right
to expect you to explain
why would you take pleasure
in causing me such pain
that I have no business
no cause to be alarmed
at the friendships you have ruined
and the reputation harmed
you cannot look into yourself
you cannot face your fears
so you rip my heart and us apart
your weapon is my tears
I tell you that you’ve hurt me
you tell me I’m insane
you say it’s all my fault
that I’m the reason for my pain
well I say to you in answer
that I do not shoulder guilt
for your swimming in a storm of hate
behind a wall you’ve built
that I love you without reason
and I live to see you smile
scares you into treason
caring not what you defile
and I hope that I get over this
I hope we make it through
but, if we don’t I won’t take blame
for what I didn’t do
I know that I have loved you
without condition at no cost
and I’ll take nothing from you
it’s only me you will have lost.
(2004)
written during what was, to date, the darkest time in my life. I was forced to accept that people, regardless of their intelligence or awareness, can be such cowards in life. I am not sure how some people even live with themselves. But I now know that everything is a stepping stone toward a better life
