Anxiety
My anxiety never stops
I’ve told you this several times
but I suppose to a normal mind
it does not compute
So I will tell you 10, 30, 100 more times
Knowing the words that I’m saying
don’t really get through
But one day you ask me..
What is it like inside your mind?
I tell you it’s anxious and you look puzzled
as if I have just told you the grass was magenta.
I don’t blame you.
I don’t understand often times myself.
But you ask me again.
“What is it like inside your mind?”
It’s like having eyes in the back of your head
except instead of an extra set of eyes
every sense is hightened to the point
of omnipresence
where you are everywhere yet you are no were
You’re almost like a ghost but they all know
you’re around.
It’s like being in a high speed chase
with your REM cycle except
MY thoughts never run out of gas.
And stopping is like trying to breathe underwater
you know it is impossible but out of desperation
your body begs you to try.
And you comply
Anxiety never stops
and while you are absent mindedly
holding me close, I am not there
My mind is 18 different places at once
You see my mind was never taught
how to be at peace in someone’s arms
Only taught to play scenarios in my head
of ways to leave before I can hurt or am hurt
But by now I’ve decided to stay.
While you are absent minded
and filled to the brim with contentment
my mind is going through millions of things
wrong with me
and what I can do to make myself perfect
in hopes to silence the voices that bark
inside my head
While you are absent minded
and just waking up in the morning
my mind has been awake for days
my dreams are just empty spaces for my
anxieties fill the voids of.
My eyes may be closed but the inside of mind
has been on high alert the whole time.
While you have been absent mindedly
holding my hand in the car
I have been reliving an argument that
has not happened because I am too afraid
to say the words.
You see nothing is wrong yet
but my mind is a dessert of quicksand
and it’s so easy to fall in.
And while you have been mindfully listening
to the words I am saying I am panicking
at the words you might say if you take it badly,
Not in the right way.
I have told you before.
My anxiety never stops but when you are here
absent mindedly holding me, looking at me
as if I am some gift that could never be outdone
My heart slows
my voices are quick to remind me I’m nothing
But when you tell me I am beautiful
and that my smile make you weak,
my voices are silenced.
My anxiety still keeps my senses on full alert
and I still notice little details and
everything around me
but while you are there, absent minded
and loving me with all that you have,
my anxieties may be flooding my system
but my heart is in your hands.
And I am untouchable.
My anxieties keep me awake but you help keep the demons at bay
