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21

I am lost
people tell me that it’s okay
that I’m young
“I have time,” they say.
But it’s still not okay with me.
I have always thought,
I have always hoped,
for something more at this age
even though I haven’t any clue what...
I turn to the bottom of bottles
for all the answers–
I never find any, of course.
I turn to men to console me,
even if its just for a night–
just for a brief moment.
I guess I would call it
being stuck at the crossroads...
of being 21 & having “daddy issues”.
Bleh, “daddy issues”,
I hate to even admit that.
Stuck being broke yet working too hard,
stuck feeling alone,
stuck feeling stuck...
But there are these tiny,
almost microscopic,
glimpses of positivity,
of happiness,
of pure light–
an irresistible luminescence.
That at the end of every day,
as the colors in the sky fade to black.
At the end of every panic attack,
as my heart’s beat finally slows down.
At the end of every heartbreak,
when my mind isn’t clouded by pain.
At the end of every needed crying session,
the tears that have been struggling to be set free...
I will keep going,
no matter the struggle,
no matter any spoken words trying to stand in my way.
I will find myself,
myself, that I think I don’t know,
myself, that I’m too scared to just be.
Eventually, I will break through this shell–
because “myself” has always truly been here.

(2015)

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