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The Creature Inside Me
Swirling, twirling dances in my head
I feel the smoothness of the liquid
Journeying through the thickness of my blood
I stumble, laugh it off and then continue on my way
On my quest of self destruction
The liquid speaks to me
It consumes me
It encompasses my whole being
I am not me anymore
Something else sees life through my eyes
Sworn enemies are made unnecessarily
Friends are few and a thing of the past
Who is this creature I have nurtured inside me
To create destruction in every relationship pursued
I force myself through the cloud of the oozing liquid
And force my fingers to put the poison down
This could kill me
But who would care?
Who would be there to mourn the loss of this foul thing that resides inside me?
Helping me to create an eternal iced cage around myself
Devoid of feeling
Devoid of friends
Devoid of life
These are the times when I struggle to see the light
When I struggle to see the point of existence
It is only going to crush me
Through the recklessness of the creature inside me
That I have created
No apology, no matter how sincere, can save me now
How have I gotten here?
Where did I go wrong?
At what point in my life did I throw up my hands in defeat
And let the creature inside win
I thought I was a warrior
A person of justice, righteousness
But now I see the truth:
It was not them that I was trying to punish
But myself
I was the weak one
The one full of shame, prejudice
The creature inside me has nurtured this weakness
And claimed it as its own
And now I have succumbed to its thirst
I surrender
This is who I am
What I have become
No turning back now
The only way is forward
Through the poison of the bottle
Where the liquid is absorbed into my being
Again and again
No turning back now
(2011)
