You have reached the East Side Doctor’s Clinic. Please say in the phone either Dr. Schmutz or Dr. Poopoo. “ “Oh no, not another one of those automated answering devices. I hope we can communicate this time,” says the frustrated caller to himself.

“If you are a patient say yes.” “Yes.” Did you say orangutan? “ says the voice. “No! says the caller. “Did you say, I want to order an orangutan?” “No, I don’t want an orangutan.” “Did you say you wanted to buy an orangutan or just rent one for a day?” “No, no, no! I didn’t say anything about orangutans.” “Did you say you wanted to speak to Dr. No? We don’t have a Dr. No here at the clinic. You must have called the wrong one.” “No, I want to speak to Dr. Schmutz.” “Did you say you needed to take a bath? Do you smell real funky?” “No, I took one last night.” “Did you say you put up a good fight? Did Dr. Schmutz knock you out?” “No, Dr.Schmutz didn’t knock me out.” Did you say Dr. Schmutz went out to buy an orangutan?” “No!! We seem to have a problem of communicating here.” “Did you say you wanted a beer? This is a doctor’s office. Not a beer joint. Murphy’s Pub is two block away from here.” “I want to speak to Dr. Schmutz, Dr. Schmutz, Dr. Schmutz.” “Did you say you know an orangutan by the name of Klutz? I knew one once by the name of Fred. What a coincidence.”

“I don’t give a damn about any orangutans. I don’t want to speak to anybody any more. I want to smash your stupid automatic phone system with a hammer and then throw it in the lake.” “Did you say your orangutan’s name is Jake? I thought you said it was Fred. If you are that confused, maybe you’d better call Dr. Schmuck. He is the best psychiatrist around these parts. Let me give you his phone number.” “Is there any such thing as phone psychiatrists? Do they hide inside the system and speak? Maybe you should get one.” “Did you say you had an orangutan by the name of Gedson?”

So much for these stupid phone systems. I hate these friggin’ things. Goodby, goodby, and good riddance.” Did you say your orangutan’s name is Bud Middance.?


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Robert L. Martin
almost 2 years

Where are the people these days who actually speak to you on the telephone?

Nelson D Reyes
almost 2 years

Do not touch any buttons, ignore the “press requests”, just stay on the line and you’d get a real orangutan at the other end. And the fun now begins! Good luck if you can understand a word he/she says. You wished you had pressed the “2” button in the first place as requested! Aaaagh! Like you, loooovvve these answering machines!
Like. Thanks.

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Nelson D Reyes
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