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Life-Long Collage

Like the flicking flames around the gates of hell
Everyone questions how you are
And who you are as well
They question your strength
Your faith
They question the ways of life and the way you think
You start to question yourself and the words you speak
The smell gets stronger as you grow weak
The haunting smells of decay
This smell of rotting flesh will never fade
Your spirit leaves you, as much as you want to leave it
Suit yourself in arms as you see fit
Bury the dead, and see to it you spit
Graves are meant to be dug, filled, and slapped with cement
Punching the walls of your supposed home and leave an indent
The mark of your fist
The bruises that mark you, one and the same will never lift
Because you buried the body but only after some time
The smell follows you everywhere as it continues to remind
You of just what you’ve done
You’ve been stung
Infected with the lie you feed to everyone
The wasps that invade your home leave traces on your mind
Because you forgot to bury the body and cover up the crime
But once you did, it began all a new
The torment, the agony, the soul that has flew
Fallen and crashed with one finally blow
Bury your dead or fade in the woe
You’ve stitched your way to the sky
You’ve fallen and hit ground and you have cried
The body that’s buried right by your side
The spirit of that being pulls you down
It wants to take you underground
To where you have forcefully placed its former home
It pulls you to hell where you’ll forever roam
It’s something you must face all alone
Because you forgot to bury the body before it was too late
And now you must face this; accept your fate
You will be buried with the body you had longed to take
The life that was stolen was not one that you gave
So now you’ll perish in this unmarked grave
Just like the spirit that nobody could save
You took it with your own hands
You will be buried with the body you forgot
You will be lost
As I, your god commands
Your body will be buried
But this time by my own hands
 
I can see them out of the corners of my eyes
I can feel them
I can hear them
They follow me
Watch me
And call me
They mock me
They want me to join them
They want my body, my mind, my heart and soul
But they can’t have me
They won’t have me
Because I’ll always wake up
I feel them and hear them when I’m awake too
They are always here
But I’m stronger when I’m awake
I’m not as strong when I’m asleep
They are everywhere
They are even inside of me
I’ll never escape them
They’ve been here since my birth
I best go fight them away in my dreams
I’m a warrior in a lions pelt
I must fight the madness
I must fight the insanity
And the only way to do that is if I give into the madness itself
This may be farewell
But I continue to fight
I continue to wake up
Somehow
Someway
But I must go
I have a calling
I mustn’t keep them waiting
 
I can never sit down,
Or shut my mouth
I can never make sense of what’s coming out
Don’t try to doubt
The common sense
Wait for the fighting to commence
Don’t try to fight the determination
The condensation
Is pouring down my back
It’s an isolation, of the mind
Prepare; feel the anticipation
Open your eyes in fascination
This is a discrimination
This is the holy race
Never shut up or sit down
You must keep up the pace
It’s a test I’ve come to ace
Time and time again
I’ve repeated this throughout the years
It’s a pain within my mind that blinds and sears
Sharpen the spears
Count the ticks
Count the seconds
There’s so much to fix
So much unmentioned
And I’ll never say a word
Lead the carriage, join the herd
Lock up, lock down, ride in the hearse
There can never be anything considerably worse
The lacerations on my feet
Spike my nightmares to their peak
I have more than I could ever need
I give it all away to the poor for free
But you see
This is the poison, the beginning of the frozen
And it eats at us all
It eats of me worse than all
Stimulating my muscles, fading through my mind
This is the holy poison; it’s one of a kind
Rewind, rewind the tape
Rewind my mind and prepare to erase
All of my feelings, emotions, and all of my feeling the same
And I’m the only one to blame
 
My spirit is hurting and my heart is hollow
It’s too hard to follow, it’s so hard to trust
One man’s treasure is another man’s lust
I don’t want be left, face down in the dust
But it hurts too bad to stand back up
As I lay here dying, every second that slips by
I remember the days, I remember the times
The good ones where I tried
The bad ones where I lied
Pick up the weapon and turn and strike
I watch the blood pour, and flow into a river
It tickles down my arms and legs and it makes me shiver
And gasp with relief
The pain I feel is pleasant and I drown as I weep
This is it, the one last time
I know this is the end, this is goodbye  
It is a sad thing, it holds much sorrow
But it’ll all be forgotten before tomorrow
Tomorrow doesn’t exist, not for me
This thought makes me tremble, my voice shakes as I speak
Just to myself, and an empty room
My heart keeps pounding like a sonic boom
“You’ll be okay, you always are, always will be. Even though it doesn’t seem, to ever change. By tomorrow you’ll be gone and everything will be okay.”
I’ve never thought, things wouldn’t be okay
I always told myself that that was the only way
To stay sane
To keep my life
And now I lay here and solemnly die
It was a good fight, it was a good run
But now my time is finished
My time here is done
My hourglass of life, has run all the way down
And by tomorrow, that empty hourglass will be all that is found
All that still exists
Of a poor broken child who couldn’t bare to live
 
Look at me, not my scars
Look me in the eye, and you’ll see the stars
I see the world, the beauty and the unclean
I hear the music, and see the unseen
Look at my face, not the blood on the floor
Watch me leave bloody footprints as I walk out the door
Yes, I have indeed left
You will never see my face again until we meet in death
And with every step, I keep climbing the stairs
Hoping to sleep with the stars and hoping you’ll take me there
But you won’t, the only thing I have is me
Repeating and repeating the screams of the free
Stop
Take a look at yourself
Am I the one you need to judge or are you the one that needs help
I’ve learned to stand, on my own two feet
Climbing a staircase that keeps going that I’ll never defeat
And what’s the point, you ask me as though I care
Its something out of you’re comfort zone and all you do is stare
You watch me run, you watch me fight
You watch me almost end my own life
You watch me sing, and you watch me soar
You watch as I leave, your face meeting the door
I’m ready, to keeping climbing to heights
You’ve never even dreamed of and I’ll watch the brightest of lights
Light up the world, with an infamous glow
I’ll watch the beauty of it all and rhyme it in a flow
My life could be fast, it could be numb
One more step and I could be done
I could give in
I could give my pain away and suffer within
I could stop, the words on the page
A letter to you of what I became
But I won’t
I want you to see
This is who I am and who I’m gonna be
Fuck your rights, and fuck your wrongs
I’m not giving in I’ll be strong
You may not love me, you may despise
But why would you hate someone who actually tries
I try to be good, I try my best
But you take all of that away and leave me with nothing left
So watch as I leave, it’s what I must do
There was never any chance of me getting through to you
Watch as I take, this very first step
Slamming the door closed
You are all alone
You’re all that you’ll have left
 
I might be young but I feel like I’m old
Like I’m wasting away
I try to get close but you just push me away
Dreaming of the day when my misery will pass
Pour myself a drink in a broken glass
Watch me take a sip and hope it’s my last
Poisoning my body until I gasp
Cutting my lips as the glass chips
I feel like I’m melting in between the gap
Falling and fading into the eternal black
I should’ve known better than to fall into your trap
But here I am now wasting my life
Cutting lines into the walls with a serrated knife
Watching and waiting for my turn to strike
I’ll get you back someday and it’ll be your life
Karma’s a bitch, but that’s what it is, take a giant leap off the side of a bridge
Just remember your life is your own
If you can’t get off the floor then you’ll drown in your woe
Just like me, it’s plain to see, it’s what you’ll become and it’s what you’ll be
Waiting and hoping for your right to be free
What’ll happen to you is what happened to me
I let things bring me down, I couldn’t lift my soul back up off the ground, and the only thing that was to be found,
Was my shame. My pain. The emptiness inside that won’t go away.
The demons inside that call my name
Cursing The Lord and his holy ways.
Oh, but don’t you know? I’m still here, I shouldn’t be, but I am.
I am because I love and because I understand
Things aren’t always what they seem.
Reality is one step from being your dreams
Don’t let the hate pull you down
Your heart will live on and your soul will be unbound from the string wrapped around, it’ll untie and the knots will be unwound.
It’s all in your hands, it’s what you make, of all of the things, like love and like hate.
Love is beauty, and hate is strong
But you only make it stronger the weaker you become
Love is sharp, and hate is dull
Keep love alive in your mind and you’ll free your soul
 
Can you do it
Can you hold your head high
Can you lift up your hands and touch the sky
Feel it, live it
Take it all in
Take one breath and let it sink in
You can do this
Just keep looking up
Never give in and never give up
Stay true to yourself, you can soar
You may fall
You may hit the floor
Get back up and try again
Over and over
From where you began
You can do it I know you can
Reach up and feel it
It’s in the palm of your hand
It’s just out of reach
You fingertips caress it
And the barrier you will breach
Lift your head up
From your sorrow and shame
Your life will differ
It will begin to change
Only if you dream
And try your best
Keep trying and flying
It’ll never end
I promise you this
Just keep you head held high
In the endless bliss
Weakness is only a figment of our imaginations
The only weakness we truly have
Is forgetting we have none
 
I’m already treated like the highest god that’s ever been in existence
But sometimes
Life has a way of getting in the way of those things
Life likes to knock those in the highest places
Down the hardest
To the lowest places
To the places where you can’t be reached
And yet
Somehow I’m always able to climb out of the hole I’ve been buried in
I can rummage through the rubble
The soil and debris
I can lift myself up
With my own two hands
I can support myself
With the strength of my arms
Hands and shoulders
I can pull the others buried in those low places out with me
I use my hands and gentle thumbs
To caress away the damage from our bodies
To clear away the blood filled tears
I’ve always done this
I will continue to do this for the rest of my days
I have the strength to lift us both up
To lift everyone up
I’m strong enough to stand up and fight along side you, and heal your wounds when the battle is over
It’s an on going war
That never ends
But we are strong
I’m strong enough to pick you and everyone else up, clear away the dirt, blood and tears, and face the next battle with you
In this on going war
We are fighting demons
We will face them
For we are angels, and we must spread our wings
We must have room to fly
 
There’s a time to be silly
There’s a time to be mad
There’s a time to be happy
There’s a time to be bad
There’s a place for me
There’s a place for you
Maybe someday
Even though its too good to be true
Maybe our times and places
Will intertwine
And I’ll be yours
And you’ll be mine
 
Wipe those tears away
Lift up that beautiful face
Take that frown and smile in place
You’re worries will leave you without a trace
You’re beautiful, just stay strong
Take my hand and just hold on
'Cause I won’t let go
I’ll never let go
 
Take a deep breath
Hold it
Look up
Breathe out
I have this
I only have this
The universe is in my fingertips

(2014)

Basically this is a collage of all of my earliest poems I had saved on my phone.
Edited and smushed together to make one big collage of a poem.
Some of the work on this may be familiar because I've posted some of the separately. But they just didn't, well, click for me.
So I just decided to throw them all together and see if it could work. Haha.

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