How can I go so far as to look back and say
I can’t go home
I have no way
All I can do is push forward and stay on task
But going as far as I have makes me ask
Is it really worth it?
Am I going to make it to the end?
With each step I take
I sink a little further in
Into the white lace
Into the cold chill
It’s all I can see for miles
It’s all I’ve seen since I’ve fallen ill
Most of my footprints have long since faded
And all of my strength earned has been nothing but wasted
I can’t go back to the place I once laid
Fore not even that could be called my home compared to this vast white blanket
It’s not the type to keep you warm
It leaves me sicker than ever
But the only way to get through this is to try to get better
I want to see more than white
I can see myself but try as I might
I’m not as colorful as I used to be
I’m at the ends of my rope
And all of a sudden there it is before me
Shiny metallic upon cold white fluff
I stop, lean down and pick it up
At first I don’t understand its purpose
And I can’t remember its name
But then I remember the tips don’t curve
And it bares the burden of a heartless blame
I keep moving forward and stare down at my hands
Maybe this could help me
Maybe it could meet my demands
So I start slicing
One, two, three
And I keep withering away ever so slowly
One is for the lonesomeness
Two is for the pain
Three is for my illness that takes a little more of my life away
I make sure the red I see drips down to the white
Just in case someone tries to come find me
Hopefully they will before I’m out of sight
I keep going
Weak, sick, cold and red on white
The deeper I cut the more sense I can make of this life
I’m broken, bleeding from head to toe
I’ve done this to myself and now it will increase my woe
I don’t dare look back
I don’t want to see
Everything I’ve done wrong
How I’ve built up my own misery
How I wish for an escape
How I wish to feel once more
I wish I could fall to my knees
But that wouldn’t make me happy or even sore
I can’t feel anything except for the ice building under my eyes
How my lips are cracked, bloody and dry
I look up to the unforgiving sun
And I beg for this suffering to end
I close my eyes
Then look down once again
Before me lies a rope
And I know exactly what I must do
I pick it up and pull each end through
Loop for loop
I walk a little farther looking down at what I have made
I stare at it like it’s the soul I had stripped away
And finally
At long last
I bump right into something
This must be it
This is my destination
I look up to see a trunk
A beautiful tree
The leaves are the pinkest I’ve ever seen
I almost cry as I gasp at the sight
This is what I’ve been searching for
This is my light
My calloused fingers and hands
My frozen and bloody feet
Work together in unison, they don’t try to compete
I climb to the highest branch I can reach
I can’t climb further because my body’s too weak
And how meek I am to let it come to this
This is my answer
This is it
I tie one end of the rope around the branch that I rest on
I tie it tight with strength that had long since gone
And I throw the loop around my neck
This is the one thing I won’t wreck
Without a second thought
Without ever looking down
I let myself fall
My feet shall never again touch the white and red ground
And as I hang there I open my eyes
I see everyone I’ve ever loved standing at my side
This isn’t my answer
THEY are my light
But I’ll never see them again
This realization makes me weep
Everything, everyone
The loves that made me live as long as I did
For them I give my life
To them, myself I give
I struggle for only seconds longer
I swing back and forth to prove that at one point I was stronger
And then I see no more
I breathe no more
I live no longer
All is still except for the blood dripping from my hands
Making myself go through all of this
Never even came close to meeting my demands
Don’t put your trust in razors
Don’t put your hope in ropes
You’ll only drown within yourself
Or fall to the everlasting snow

(2013)

Suicide; Lonliness; Sadness; Regret; Lost; Self Harm; Cold

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