I used to stare up at the ceiling in the dark
And watch the city lights burn like candles
Cars would send patterns floating across the darkness
As well as envelope sounds throughout my mind
When I would stare up at the ceiling
I felt as though I were as high as the sky
And though I never slept much
I still tried to stay alive
I used to watch the ceiling at night
And pray for the stars to unfold and show me a dawn to a new day
But just as heaven is so close
It is also so far away
I used to surround myself in dark
And see the past fly before my very eyes
I used to paint pictures with strays of light
I would paint over my mistakes to make a better future
I wanted to wake up from the madness
But I realized I wasn’t ever really asleep
Something so precious is lost with the fact of knowledge
I sang to myself as I’d occasionally look out the window
And dwell upon the feelings so cold to me now
Yet I know it’s time to forgive and forget
I just can’t forgive and forget myself
I am what is wrong in the world
And yet I am not
I see such hideous and dark things
And yet I see the beauty around every corner
I want to live
And yet I want to die
I try to live
And I try to die
I sometimes think of myself to be a hero
Dying in repayment for someone else’s life
Someone more important, more kind and pure
Though I know that I’d never be able to repay my debts
I’d love to stop falling through floors
And hitting broken glass sticking through the concrete
But what would life be like if I didn’t have that pain
It is the only thing I have ever known
I have trusted so many over the years
And I’ve never quite forgiven myself for that
I want to be somebody’s reason to smile
I just want to be happy
I used to smell salty air
Full of empty pollution
And I used to think
This is as good as it gets
For me at least
As of now that is still the truth
Things might get better
But they always get worse
I used to stare up at my ceiling in the dark
And think of you
All of you
I used to stare up at what seemed like an unending source of denial
As I still do to this day

(2014)

Dark, Hope, Lost, Forgiveness, Forgotten, Turmoil, Stars, Thoughts, Worries

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