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Built-in Pretext

If you want to talk to someone but can't I find that if you write your thoughts it can help because at least it feels like you're reaching out to someone. It's better than keeping everything bottled up.

Serious distress, everything’s a mess,
Caught on a swirling carousel of hopelessness,
Anger, pain, and total confusion,
No longer can I tell from real life or an illusion.
An unsolvable problem,
Like an invisible goblin,
Digging claws in my brain,
Saying just go insane.
There’s no one to blame, but then all the same,
How could there be no culprit to the pain?
Can’t think cus it hurts, can’t find the right words,
Can’t find the right path to break free of this curse.
I’m no longer myself,
I’m no longer in health,
I can’t find a way out,
So I scream and I shout,
But there’s no one to hear me, I’m not shouting clearly.
I want to reach out but there’s nobody near me.
I know I need help, someone show me the way,
Is what I want to say, but I never portray,
Cus I’m weak, and I’m tired,
And no longer inspired.
What’s the point? What’s it worth? All that I see is red.
But instead of exploding it builds in my head,
So I wear and I tear as I’m lying in bed,
Cus I know that I’m hanging on by less than a thread.
They say what goes up, must come down,
Shame it doesn’t work when it’s the other way around.
How can you come down when you’re already on the ground?
And how can you be heard when you can’t even make a sound?
I’m lost, and when I try look for a way,
An opportunity to get me out of the dismay–
Instead of thinking of solutions,
My brain fills with pollution–
Spreading anger and self-hatred—
Constantly exacerbated–
I just want to be sedated,
The only thing I know–
Once again self-medicated—
Popping pills when I get low–
To stop the hidden rage from building,
I need to keep it sealed in.
I can’t let anger take me–
And make everybody hate me–
Cus I hate myself enough,
But every day I bluff,
I pull wool over eyes, so that no one sees inside,
Always acting like I’m strong but all along it’s a disguise.
I let you see my eyes, but show you no expression–
While discreetly I am combatting my anger and depression.
Been down this road before, but never learnt my lesson,
If I make it through this then it has to be a blessing.
I need a hand to help me up cus time’s forever pressing,
But there’s no helping hand if I’m not gonna be confessing–
To the mess that I’m in, so I walk with a grin–
While the ice of my life’s growing dangerously thin–
And I lie to those close to me, every day,
When they ask how I’m doing I say yeah, I’m ok–
And I never have to think because I say it like a reflex,
Refuse to show emotion so that no one sees my defects,
I would speak out but can’t as some excuse will always be next,
Problems never shared because I have a built-in pretext.
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