I went to the woods to reflect on life—to reflect on who I am. Most people would come back from the woods having learned the things that life had to teach. For me, it wasn't that simple. The only thing that I learned about life is that it had conditioned me to be malcontent in places like the woods where I was. It’s not that I don’t appreciate nature. There’s just something about being all by myself in a secluded place that makes me uncomfortable. It makes me feel like something’s missing. So I left that place in the woods, and—little did I know at the time—I never returned to that place.

I've lived in one house throughout my whole life in the small town of Pueblo West. There's not much excitement around here; Life here is very cyclical and predictable. I suppose this is the reason I don't adapt well to change. Or, it could be that people have a predisposition to not like things changing, and they become more accustomed to it as things in their life reorganize themselves. I mostly live an unchanged predictable life. When I get used to something, I stick with it, because it's comfortable and familiar.

Life, to me, has never seemed so simple. By definition, life is the capacity to grow, reproduce, and change. If we have to change to be alive, then why is it such a difficult thing to do? Of course, I don't like change, but perhaps the reason that I didn't like the woods was because I was afraid of something changing without me. Instead of being alone, I would rather be in a crowd of people. I don't have to know those people—I could be by myself with nobody there to talk to, but as long as there is activity and life around me, I am content. Some people are grounded by the mountains, being around the wildlife and trees. Of course, these things are alive, but it is a certain quality that distinguishes those things from people. People are more sentient. They're more aware of their significance, or perhaps insignificance. Animals are instinctual, and while there is something comforting about that kind of presence, they can't communicate with me. They don't speak all of the languages that I do. They don't know what it's like to be in love, or to experience heartbreak, or to have something change so suddenly. Maybe that's why I like these crowds of faceless people. I feel included, without having to really be included. I can relate to the things they say to one another. I know by heart the looks they give each other—A glance of affection, of appreciation, even those looks of malcontent. I know them and I can communicate with these people without having to speak. This is the thing that grounds me. I go to the coffee shop downtown for a drink. I find a bench to sit on outside and watch the people as they go by. I watch them, analyze their actions, communicate with them in my own mind. It's comforting.

A few years ago, I took a trip to New York City. I have a cousin that lives in an apartment only a short Subway trip away from Times Square. My grandma and I stayed with them for 3 days, and in those 3 days, we went to the 9/11 memorial, Rockefeller Center, and my favorite, Times Square. I remember standing in the middle at night and just looking around at all the lights, and signs, and people. There were people everywhere. I felt like I was on top of the world, to get to be part of that. However it also brought to light how small I was in day-to-day life. Pueblo West, to me, isn't a horrible place to live, but no part of living here in Colorado will ever compare to that night in New York. It's a small town, almost invisible to the rest of the country. The things that happen here are insignificant. The people that live here? Insignificant. Now, it's not to say that the importance of life changes depending on where people live. However nobody is going to notice the accomplishments of the businessman in Pueblo West, Colorado. They're much more likely to recognize the successful businessman living in a big city. Traveling to New York really set this idea into place for me.

The reason I am the way I am isn't simple. It could be because of the people in my life, or the way I grew up. Or, it could just be by chance. In the melting pot that created our universe, I may have been handed the short stick, and was made dependent on people being around me, quick to make friends, shy, disgruntled by change, and infatuated with lights. However it happened, I live a life with these qualities, and all I can do is make the best of it. I can use these attributes to shape and change my environment, and in turn, that environment will shape and change who I am.