Men are from Mars Women are from everywhere else

I was a bullshit artist until I realized a career as a bullshit scientist paid better

I used to say Nothing to see here but now that I’ve embraced transparency there really is

In communist Russia no one wanted to be seen to be the first person to stop clapping for Stalin In America today

I’m converting to Judaism but I’m a Scorpio so, I have a head start

Life used to be hard And that’s how we liked it So much that we used to say Hurry up and wait In the understanding that

The sloth’s plangent gaze confirms what we already know: The eighth deadly sin is haste

When I was standing in the shallow end I really believed I was all in only later coming to realize

When I was a kid we thought the end of the world was coming any minute via The Button Instead it came a little later

Coffee is for the middle-aged; we need both to shit and get shit done

Beauty is in the eye of the stockholder

We’ve gone from individuals distinguishing themselves from the… begging to differ– “Whatever it is, I’m against it”- to groups

Feminism’s big mistake is thinking it can use a power vac… to clean up the patriarchy’s mess

The ego (that’s you) is a symptom of lack (that’s nothing)

I want to believe in God I believe in UFOs I don’t believe in recycling I don’t want to believe in what th…