It was always true that if you tried to save the relationship by looking the other way eventually they’d want to be

The cogito may be airtight but its reverse– I am, therefore I think– is less certain

I fist met Cap’n Crunch back when he was 2nd Lieutenant C… He did this weird thing where he’d… in the powdered milk powder and sa… Stays crunchy even in milk!

7 in 10 Americans believe in heave… while only 6 in 10 believe in hell which is why the house always wins

What would my life be like If I stopped worrying And trusted God completely? Instead of preparing for the worst And hoping for the best

Everyone who uses language believes in God Prayer is the act of admitting that you believe in God

We should all know by now That every day is a do-over But we fail to realize That this means we’re in overtime And our version of overtime

The true test of power today is whether or not you can be forced to accept a forced apology

When they told me I was one of many I took them to mean I was the one

Coffee is for the middle-aged; we need both to shit and get shit done

Early on a Friday morning Just before I awakened My rabbi said, in a dream So, this is the way the Torah wor… But before he could explain

Faced with a forced choice The agnostic feigns ignorance For if you ask a woman to marry yo… And she says I don’t know

God: Do you trust me? Me: It’s not my fault!

No shoes, no shirt, no service Just say no Do not pass go, do not collect $20… Don’t call us, we’ll call you No pain, no gain