In the new version of Heads I win, tails you lose People hate to be wrong But love to apologize And if you accept their apology

Self-flattery will get you everywhere but there’s nowhere left to go

I could do a passable moonwalk in socks on linoleum but if I put on one glove I had to take off one sock

The answer man is left with a ques… What does a woman want? The question woman is stuck with a… A good man is hard to find but eas…

A fishbowl made of screen glass is a fishbowl made for one that is magically adjacent to every other fishbowl in this world we conjured where

Yes Life is a pain But it is a labor pain

When success is made mandatory for all it becomes impossible for any

Monotheism is true; Liberalism works Put them together and The true works

Having priced myself Out of the market I’ve rebranded as generic

You must go on. I can’t go on. I’ll ramble on.

I used to stand on the moral high ground to look myself in the eye but now that I’ve plucked it out and thrown it away

And then it hit me: My lone flaw is not admitt– ing to any flaws

I spent most of my life naively believing that people mean what they say Then I came to understand that even when people don’t mean what t…

Denial was a lot easier when your head was in the clouds but your memories were stored on microfiche

If you want to remain married one partner should stay busy moving the goalposts while the other focuses on running out the clock