In school they put me in the gifted class but as one of my favorite teachers finally put it “There’s just something missing”
My dad was a very religious man He always told me You’ve made your bed now you’ve got to not eat in it
A record sounds the same every time you play it A broken record is intolerable because it isn’t broken, it’s just…
I can’t just let go of my past I have to lose a tug of war and get third degree rope burns
If we’re being scientific, then The more certain you are that quan… The less certain you become as to… i.e., It works like a charm And if we’re being honest, when
Brexit is a fantasy that a people who previously sat astride a global empire can now sit apart from globalizati… when in reality
Not to be outdone I cut my face off to spite my nose
In the story of The boy who cried wolf There was no wolf Until there was And there still is
I used to say Nothing to see here but now that I’ve embraced transparency there really is
At first moving heaven and earth is its own reward because it’s hell on wheels But self-flagellation
In wristwatch advertisements the doomsday clock is always set to ten past ten
I put out a comedy album Side A was called Wins Side B was called Losses Only one side was funny
My life was about to go down the drain but the drain was clogged
Of late I always feel like I just got off one of the spinning rides at the county fair but that’s just the sensation of civilization accelerating as it
God is one And God is the one that got away But God is still the one that’s got a way