There
There is always time you’ll never get back
Stacks of newspapers, tupperware and old magazines
Staring back at my listless eyes
Despising the rising of layers of dust
Rusted unto an otherwise strengthened beam.
Dimensionless my dreams existed
Traversing all planes
All Airbusses and DC-10s
And lofty nightmares
In which the flames of my heart
Die in the flames of the earth.
Hearth chair rocks to and fro as I recount and recall
Almost all of my cherished memories to the next generation
Stationed in the warmth of my love, my life, my dreams unfurled
Like a majestic flag flying over the local dealership row.
Commerce and dreams collide in the air
A visible spectrum, a poetic molecular dance
Fancied by a mysterious species
Fortunate enough to witness their own miracles take flight.
Aloft again on another serotonin journey
Through serendipity.
Pity that for all I’ve known there infinitely lies
All that I’ve missed.
My dear Creator, will I get another chance at redemption?
One more pull of the crank?
Just another try to get it right this time?
Before limestone and rock bury my dreams
And my family’s joy?
I cannot help but wonder how I may serve thee?
Infinitely existing, pondering all the same what I’ll do.
Which road shall Chris choose?
What lesson lies in that flaming hearth
Full of chatter, giggles, snoozes and snoring
And boring moments in which the silence hugs us tight.
Winter wrapped her legs tight around our worth
And squeezed us until there was no purchase to have.
Sad or glad cannot describe which path I should have taken.
If I chose Biloxi, I might have married Jessica and watched her die in my arms.
If I chose April, I might have married her and created a family before I knew my own heart.
If I had told Amanda no I may have retired an officer with my own call sign.
If I never took that pill I would have never found the answer to the flippant emptiness of “I don’t see what the big deal is.”
I may have defeated terrorists or killed more innocent lives.
Regardless of how many choices I contemplate I would have been in this moment with this pen, this stomach, this chaos and this optimism for another endless array of what-ifs.
So my choice, my Mysterious Master, is to love as hard as I can.
Fan the flames of passion
With a dash or smirk, charisma and charm
Leaving the harm of innocence to exist as needs be.
A day always dawns when I can look back and answer the questions driven by endless curiosity.
The answers always present.
Tense responses birth oftentimes from midnight pondering
As I’ve always cautioned about what one wishes for.
Doors slamming shut in your face.
Mace clouds choking the fright out of your dance
While the law prances on ponies
Spraying the stinging stench of authoritarianism
Loudly and proudly.
Gee, what the fuck?
And here I was simply celebrating the birth of a new dawn
Lawns cluttered with dewdrops and daffodil sprawl.
Hauled my ass out of there
Escaped the clutches of power gone mad only to spring another trap
Sacked by my unconscious
Surprised that some answers show up years in the making.
So I dream what I can; see in my heart my love I wish to be; kiss the souls of the angels; pray to my Merciful Master; quiet my mind; listen intently... can you hear the future whispering? I hope so.
21 May 2020
New Year's Eve. Mill Ave. Unruly crowds. Pepper spray.
