Letter to the Boy I Once Called Mine
When I met you, I was in seventh grade.
I was a child
I didn’t know much of anything
Let alone what it was like to be in love
So, I relied on you to teach me.
At first you seemed to be teaching me well.
You made me feel wanted.
You made me feel important.
You made me feel pretty.
We were happy when we were together.
A little while down the road though, things changed between us.
You still made me feel wanted,
But only when it was convenient for you to want me—
Or to want sex, which one I still am unsure.
You still made me feel important,
But only important to you.
You still made me feel pretty sometimes,
But mostly you’d point out my flaws.
I looked past it for so long,
because doesn’t every relationship have rough patches?
“We can get through whatever it is”
is what I kept telling myself.
We could get through the rough times
Like when you made it miserable being around my friends,
Like when I was unfaithful, and you tried to forgive me.
Like when you yelled just because you could,
It took me so long to learn that isn’t what they meant.
It took me so long to learn that being in a relationship—
Even on the worst of days—
Shouldn’t make you feel alone.
Shouldn’t make you feel like you’re not cared for
Shouldn’t make you feel like sex is nearly all you have to offer
Shouldn’t make you feel so ignored that you seek others’ attention.
Now I can’t speak for you, but I felt all these things.
I didn’t handle those feelings well at all,
Forgive me for that.
You taught me so many things,
About love, and about myself.
I learned how important a healthy relationship is.
I learned that when they say communication is key
they really really mean it.
I learned what it’s like to rely on somebody else for your own self-worth,
and the horrible effect of doing so.
I learned to tell the difference between a “rough patch” and an unhealthy environment.
I learned that sometimes, it’s okay to admit you're wrong—
as that is what we did.
Eventually
I learned how to value myself.
I learned how to be independent.
I learned how to love after being so broken.
I learned how to follow my heart.
I learned how to fight for myself.
So, thank you, for showing me what it’s like
To love
And to be hurt
And to love again.
