Moods
For him, though he'll never see.
My mood is really down.
Why am I down?
I think you’re going to reject me.
I was left for being depressed before.
I try so hard to be a good friend, a good love interest, girlfriend, daughter,
But I never feel like I meet expectation.
I always feel I let you down.
That you’re going to walk away and find someone better.
That you’re going to see me as something gross and ugly, just a good fuck.
I know I’m good in bed
It’s just a talent I suppose
Learned from taking time to study male sexuality, out of another want to please.
A way I could never please my dad, and wouldn’t want to
But my lack of male love makes me want to seek it.
That’s how I lost my virginity.
I got drunk…17, 5 glasses of red wine I think
It’s fuzzy
He asked if I wanted to
My dad had just left my mommy, I spent 8 hours alone before my mom came home and found him gone.
I was pretty numb. Unforgiving, I hated men.
So I let him take it. And whilst it felt good, I do wish id lost it to someone special
But then I might have given it to a narcissist,
Who proceeded to leave me 2 days after my birthday, after I told him I was down, and wanted to take my life again.
I tried before.
I had a bottle of 40 500ml antibiotics for the infection in my helix piercing
I swallowed 6 before changing my mind.
So I threw them up and never spoke of it until a year later
When I finally felt safe to tell someone.
I had councelling
But didn’t find it helped.
He wanted to be a councellor, if he can leave a love without help, on the brink of death,
What makes his client any different?
So when you wonder why my mood is low,
Why I just want to cuddle up into your arms when my uterus hurts
And my hormones just rush to my head.
I fear you will go to, the same way as he. Please don’t reduce me to death.
If id not had my mother, id probably die
String myself up by the neck.
If you must go, then do build me up, stand me on top of the world.
And if you must go, atleast give me help
A parachute to fall down softly.
Im sorry, I just don’t feel beautiful
Im sorry, I just don’t feel smart
There are many days when im confident, oh yes.
But sometimes my world is just dark
These days are rare now, less than once a month
But when they hit, they hid hard.
I’ll ride it out, im not quite ready to die just yet.
And I’ll try to smile for you.
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