God broke in half-way through my prayer and said You’re on mute
I’m sad to say I’ve never been happier And I’m happy to say I’ve never been sadder All of which is to say
You know a hipster is aging gracef… When he comes to see that Objects in mirror Are closer than they appear
We are all of us unreliable narrators Some of us just make a living at it
It was always true that if you tried to save the relationship by looking the other way eventually they’d want to be
Living well Means accepting risk Living hell Is risk-free
My wife I mean my life Is a fulfillment of dreams Where I wish I were wearing pants
One wonders how they arrived at the 140 character limit per Twe… Did they consult the Kabbalah the average length of haiku or the heart rate of the hummingbi…
I’m not afraid of jumping in front of a bus because I don’t want to jump in front of a bus I am afraid of
I respond to A nail in my tire Like it’s the last nail In my coffin
When I caught my wife cutting up… she said it was to prevent birds getting stuck in them like six-pac…
We are all mistaken in locating the black sheep’s diff… in the color of his fleece when the real distinction is that the other members of the flock
Just because life is good doesn’t mean it isn’t also too much of a good thing
To break up with your significant other just say I need space To break it off
You know a civilization by its ass… and ours assumes a great deal of d… To finance that debt we assume that the best predictor of future… is past behavior
