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Chris Gaither

The Only Subject in Middle School Used to Be Social Studies; Now It’s Religious Studies

Because we are social beings
whenever people said they have no life
they always meant they have no social life
 
Real life was social life
 
But now social life is short for
social media life and
 
Unreal life is social life
 
So these days when someone says
they have no life
they just mean they are alive

Other works by Chris Gaither...
“The Light From the (First Nuclear) Explosion Was Seen Clearly at Albuquerque”

The difference between the Pax Romana and the Pax Americana is that while all roads lead to Rome
Lucky for Me, I’m a Natural at Self-censorship

I was the first ever lobster discovered in the wild with a rubber band around my claw clamping it shut
Spokesman for a Veneration

Everybody worships something But that something is amiss Hero worship is one thing But heroin’s an abyss Invisible from the One Ring
I’ve Always Listened to My Gut Except When It Told Me I Was About to Be Gutted

It takes guts to admit you don’t belong but it’s easy to read a sign that says No admission
Acts of the Indocile

Natural disaster was always an act of God With climate change we’ve made it our own
You Can Tell We’ve Lost Our Composure Because We Can’t Admit It

When civilization was still buildi… deconstruction was all the rage Now that everything we’ve built is… rage is all the rage
The Picture of Tom Brady

Tom Brady keeps a portrait of him… that is becoming progressively more likable
“Fathom, old English measure of length, now standardized at 6 feet, which has long been used as a nautical measure of depth”

Contemporary pacifism attempts to… One full fathom deep But repression is just short for The return of the repressed So, you can tell a modern pacifist…
In No Uncertain Terms, Certainty Is the Forbidden Fruit

Descartes wanted certainty He got it Now we’re stuck with it Uncertain how we get unstuck Does this mean we’re doomed or sav…
Live Long and Proper

Over the course of life I’ve never managed to finish anyth… but for always completing my course of antibiotics
There’s Only Two Ways Past This Shitstorm: Through It

When Plan A is not having a plan Plan B is not having an exit strategy
140

One wonders how they arrived at the 140 character limit per Twe… Did they consult the Kabbalah the average length of haiku or the heart rate of the hummingbi…
Alone or in Tandem

Our big mistake is thinking a leap of faith is a tandem parachute jump where God pulls the parachute and you float gently down
“Is This Burning an Eternal Flame?”

You can’t burn a bridge when they’ve already dismantled th… to keep you out but you can burn an eternal flame to mark the location
“Over 765 million vacation days have gone unused by Americans”

Our task is never-ending And our time is limited This is a major source of complain… But consider the opposite possibil… Our work here is done



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