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Chris Gaither

Uncertainty Principle: the identity and position of a terrorist cannot both be precisely determined at the same time

In the past
they randomly distributed blanks
amongst the firing squad
so that you’d never know
if you were really executing enemy combatants
or not
 
By this same logic
20% of those killed in drone strikes are civilians
so that you’d never know
if you were really executing enemy combatants
or not

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To Sleep, Perchance to Clean

What I lack in hygiene I make up for in sleep hygiene
The World’s Most Powerful Bureaucracy Releases Its Vision and Mission Statements

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These Days the Average Man in the Street Says That God Does Not Exist, Although, Paradoxically, the Average Man in the Street Does Not Exist

Most tautologies are self-fulfilling prophecies For example: Most people are average But God never met
Jack-In the Heart-Shaped Box

Your search for a vein is now done in vain under the soft tyranny of wireless narcotics in whose touchless embrace
“Is This Burning an Eternal Flame?”

You can’t burn a bridge when they’ve already dismantled th… to keep you out but you can burn an eternal flame to mark the location
My New Motto: Be Repaired

I can only ever seem to do the math in the aftermath
Only Analog Clocks Are Analogous to the Heart; a Digital Clock Is Like a Finger-pointing

There’s no time like the present as we now reside outside of time inside a stalled clockworks as useless cogs in the rundown machine
Aging Gracefully Means Keeping a Lot to Yourself

As you age getting enough exercise in futility becomes more and more a portent
Let’s Make One Thing Perfectly Clear

When your mind is transparent Your body becomes invisible Because once they’ve made certain You’re thinking all the right thou… They’ll never give you another tho…
Eight Rhymes with Hate

It took years of therapy but the octopus finally arrived at… that the reason she didn’t like th… was because they were so much alik…
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There Are Only Two Ways to Make a Living as a Writer: Teach in an MFA Program or Host a Podcast

Those who can do talk shows Those who can’t teach others to show, don’t tell
Fake It ‘Til You Take It

All consciousness is false consciousness but some consciousnesses are easier to fake
If You’re Reading This, You Just Made My Day

The distance between zero and one is infinitely greater than the distance between one and infinity
My Apologies, I was Just Being Cautious

I always thought everybody was saying It’s better to be safe, then sorry
How to Avoid Scoring Points on Your Spouse

If you want to remain married one partner should stay busy moving the goalposts while the other focuses on running out the clock



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