pearls of "wisdom"
Life advice from an inappropriate,approprite adult
though my Fuck ups and fails are numerous,
and my triumphs pathetically few,
here now my beautiful children,
pearls of wisdom I have for you.
remember to make the most of this life,
coz my dears you only get one,
make lots of good memories and plenty of friends,
fill your life with laughter and fun.
try everything once go ahead be brave,
make memories you’ll never forget,
do with this life all that you want to do,
so at the end your free of regret.
don’t hold on to hate and bad feelings,
try only to heal not cause any pain,
send away those who bring choas and trouble to you,
collect those who calm you and keep you sane.
don’t be led have a mind of your own,
its your agenda to set,
if you only put out plenty of good,
then plenty of good you will get.
look after your nan the stubborn old cow,
it may shock you but I care,
she may be a handful and pain in the arse,
but when I fucked up she was there.
try not to hate your father to much,
though he’s been a total git,
most of what happened was caused by me,
being a selfish, fucked up tit.
now back to the fun tips to guide you through life,
so the fun should never end,
have plenty of good sex regularly,
but make contraceptives your new best friend.
travel the world and see it all,
and don’t ever be afraid,
don’t be in a rush to have kids your own,
the mistake so many has made.
I suppose I should do the boring stuff,
don’t lie, cheat, steal and all,
you’re good kids you know that so I’m here to teach,
the fine art of having a ball.
a hangover is a mother fucker,
but this is what you do,
to kill it quick 2headache pills,
swigged down with can of irn bru.
if ur going out on a bender,
and don’t fancy ending face down in a sink,
fill up your stomach to soak up the booze,
and stick to one kind of drink.
drugs are fun oh yes they are,
problem is that you start wanting more,
so sensible mam returns to say don’t you dare,
the only time I’m proudly a bore.
Casey if you fight wrap her hair round your hands,
that way she can’t move away,
and you can stand there without breaking sweat,
and happily punch her all day.
kieran if a knobhead tries it on,
coz you’re small and easy to hit,
remember your nan, short arse, short temper,
and head butt and knock out the shit.
dont be in a hurry to grow up my kids,
is what I suppose my message should be,
but the greatest hope that I have for you both,
is you turn out to be Fuck all like me.
(2014)
