If I were to go
These would be my last words
If I were to give in to my temptations
And fall at my own hands
This is what I would say
This is what I would leave behind
 
Well, it seems I have a lot to say
And yet nothing at all
If you’re reading this
I’m probably gone
Which is perfectly fine by me
I knew it was coming
I knew all along
I’ve known for a long time that this was my fate
I’m sorry
I’m so terribly sorry things had to end this way
Everything is so meaningless
So washed up and abused
My body
My soul
My heart
Everything
Everything is lost
It’s gone
It’s been gone for a while now though
I’d know this better than anyone
I just wanted to be something
But I always knew
Always
I would always be nothing
I would never reach the skies with beautiful wings
I WILL never reach the skies with beautiful wings
But maybe I can reach them with broken wings
Wings dipped in tar
All of the tar from my smoking
My lies
My life
All of it amounted to nothing but tar
Sticky black
Void
Completely nothing
The password to my phone
Is you’re beautiful
Because I told myself
Maybe if I wrote it
Said it
Repeated it enough
I might actually believe it someday
But that’s false
I would’ve never believed it
Not now
Not ever
My life entirely was a lie
Everything I ever did
Said
Lies
All of it
I knew it’d catch up to me sooner or later
I guess it came sooner rather than later
Oh well
Point is
I’m gone
And there’s nothing anyone can do or say to bring me back
I want to blame someone
Anyone
Someone other than myself
But there’s no one to blame
There’s only me
Only me
That’s all I ever had really
Just me
My thoughts
My lies
All of that
Pointless
My existence was pointless
I was pointless
I wasn’t worth saving
I wasn’t worth breath
I’m not worth tears
If you’re reading this
You probably think I’m stupid
Selfish
Naive
But in reality
I did what I had to do
It was the only thing left for me to do
I’ve left behind nothing but regret
Sorrow
Pain
Agony
But realize this
That was what I felt everyday
Every second
Always
It never truly went away
I’m sorry for being this way
It wasn’t my choice
But this is it
This is how it was meant to be
Remember I loved
I loved with my entire heart
Soul
Being
I loved so much it killed me
My love killed me
Love gets you nowhere as I realize this now
It leads to absolutely nothing
You could love everyone
Everything
You could revolve love around you
Envelop it around yourself
Inside yourself
But in the end
When life comes and knocks you on your ass
You still die
There’s no point to try and escape that fact
There’s no point in anything anymore
I’m dying
Right now as I’m writing this
I’m dying
Not literally
And yet literally
My entire body
Everything
Is numb
So numb
I can’t take it
I just can’t take it
I’d rather feel pain than this
I’d rather feel ANYTHING than this
The only thing that I came to love that never hurt me
Was music
Music is the cure to everything
You can hear it
Feel it
Maybe not see it
But you can dream it
You can dream it
If that’s what you truly wish
Open your eyes
Ears
Hearts
Let music in
It will save you
I promise
It’s what kept me going for so long
I just wanted to be loved
And accepted
And praised
I wanted to be understood
I wanted to do something right
I wanted to be a hero
A shinning star to everyone I loved and touched
But
That was all in vain
It was asking too much
Maybe I’ll go to hell
Maybe I’ll just simply disappear
I don’t know
Nor do I care really
It’s all invalid at this point in the game
This silly game called life
And death
Death is not the end
Death is not defeat
It’s the beginning of something
What that something is
I don’t know
But I will find out
We ALL will find out eventually
I know I’ve lived wrong
I know I’ve done bad
So much bad
I’d understand it if everyone hated me
But if you’re reading this
I loved you
I still do
And I will truly miss you
If you’re reading this
You were important to me in some way
Somehow
You touched me
You lived life with me
And for that
I’m eternally grateful
I had fun
Oh god, did I have fun
For a short while
In this short, hateful life
I had fun at times
I have so many memories
Good and bad
I treasure them all
But they ripped me apart
They killed me just as much as everything else did
Including myself
I just wanted someone to love me
To be important to someone
Anyone
For them to look at me and say
I smiled because of you today
Or
You made a difference in my life
Thank you
I just wanted that
I just wanted to be someone you all would’ve been proud of
But I fell before my own eyes
I fell before I could ever even try to fly
Just remember
I loved you
And I still do
Forever and always
I might’ve not been the brightest
The bravest
The strongest
But I loved
I lived
I existed
Even if I only lived half a life
If even that
I was still here
I was here
And now
I’m not
I’m gone
Maybe now
I’m truly flying
Maybe not
But all I can say is
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
I leave this
My poetry and writings
My life’s work
I leave all the people
Places
Memories
Things
I leave all of it
Please cherish them as I had
Please
Remember me for my good side
Remember me for me
But remember the good things as well
I might not have touched many hearts
I might not have found my one true love
But that’s okay
I was here
And pieces of me
Will forever stay here
I live on in many different ways
Inside all of you
Inside my favorite little things
My poetry
I live in the memories
As long as you keep these things alive
I shall remain alive as well
And who knows
Maybe I found a peaceful place
Maybe under a cherry blossom tree and a setting sun
Maybe I’ll remain here forever
Maybe I finally found happiness
Or peace
Maybe I’m rotting in hell
I’ll email you all the details as soon as I find unprotected wifi haha
I didn’t do this because of anyone else
I did this myself
Don’t blame anyone
Just me
This was all me
It was my one
Last
Final
Wish
I don’t really deserve much
Maybe I do deserve to rot for eternity
But all I can say is
I tried
I gave it my all
I have left much unfinished
And have left many regrets
But
It was all I could do to stand to get out of bed everyday
To act like I was okay everyday
I’m sorry
I truly am
I love you all
Forever and always
Read this
Read my poetry
Understand me
And help my story live on
Help me live on
May I rest in pieces, and continue my endless journey flying towards the far reaches of the universe
I will find where light and dark began, and I will discover the meaning and purpose of being truly, irrevocably, and eternally, alone
Fore that is the only purpose for me being brought into existence
Live a lot
Love a lot
Laugh a lot
And never, ever, stop smiling
 
Find your path of happiness
Wherever that path takes you
Wherever you go
Whoever you become
I will be with you
I will live on inside of you
I will love you
Forever and always.

(2013)

This was a suicide note/poem I wrote for my family and friends when I was at wits end with my depression. I over came that though obviously. It's still hard. It'll ever get easier.

Music; Suicide; Death; Thoughtful; Heartache; Worrisome; Exhaustion; Suffering; Rememberance

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