As long as I’m working I only feel free time slipping away The fear is that if I stopped working

God’s not buying it Until you own it– Are we clear?

When they shut down Ringling Bros… a down on his luck clown looked into a second career as a m… but was informed that the mimes were only accepting applications f…

When my father-in-law dusted the cobwebs off our front p… they were back within the week It is hard to feel sorry for a spe… that has negligible capacities for…

If you don’t believe I’m the Led Zeppelin of poetry just wait ‘til you see my poems go over like a lead balloon

You have a real life if there are no easy solutions You have a real problem if there are no easy solutions but there is an easy way out

The left believes that the culture war can be won by winning elections The right believes that the culture war can be won

I have a different problem: there are no feelings to express my words

The soul is like water The body a glass And a dead body is just A glass from which All the water has evaporated

You’ll know you’re talking to God When He doesn’t talk back Yet you still have your answer

To those who say they’ll keep working until they die I say don’t die–

Hook-up apps have given intimacy all the allure of an oil change

You can’t burn a bridge when they’ve already dismantled th… to keep you out but you can burn an eternal flame to mark the location

When we were kids we liked to spell Mississippi out loud for fun but we never pronounced the S’s–

It’s a truism that life is a roller coaster ride But it’s also true that unlike a roller coaster things get even more interesting