I used to stand on the moral high ground to look myself in the eye but now that I’ve plucked it out and thrown it away
The crucial moment in my elevator pitch comes when I hit the emergency stop button
When life gives you A bottomless pit Fill it with Bottomless fries
Originally it was about Michael Bike and called Bike Rider
In a post-pandemic bid to remain relevant the SATs have removed all true/false questions in acknowledgment that such questi…
LL Cool J can’t live without his radio For me, it’s my patio
During the rodeo clown shortage nobody thought that the rodeo mime… but the mimes surprised everyone distracting the bulls by silently evoking the dignity
A fishbowl made of screen glass is a fishbowl made for one that is magically adjacent to every other fishbowl in this world we conjured where
Insanity is thinking you can ever get what you want and devoting your life to getting it
God knows that the only thing you can give the man who has everything is another chance
You can’t burn a bridge when they’ve already dismantled th… to keep you out but you can burn an eternal flame to mark the location
Insanity is also seeing people do the same thing over and over again and expecting them to let you cons…
Both my parents were tall and I ended up a shrimp Not coincidentally, my diet has al… largely consisted of pink flamingo… though scientists insist that it’s…
Love your enemy but do continue to hate your rival factions
A funny thing happened when I told them that you can either laugh or you can cr… No one laughed but for a second