The worst part about giving every kid in little league a trophy is the way it has emptied all the… out of acquiring

I have two dogs Which means I’m in double trouble I have three daughters Which means

My wife sleeps on her back while I sleep in the mis– take prone position

There’s only one way To win a game of chicken But there are two ways to lose And the only chance of victory Is knowing ahead of time

My first meeting with God was ver… I knocked on the door and said “Excuse me?” God didn’t look up from what He w… As He calmly and firmly explained

All raw deals Are some version of the following: If we screw up You’ll keep your mouth shut Because if you draw attention to i…

Gaslight, gas bright First-class I seek tonight I wish I may I wish I might Have the wishful thought

We think of death As the worst-case scenario But what if In the best-case scenario Death is the answer to a question?

Question: What do you want the mo… Answer: The most. This is how you know The devil is always cheating you Because desire is neither

What is wrong with the world today?: Dear Sir or Madam, You are.

I’m always leaving things at church so the lost and found won’t be empty

Liberalism can be confused with ni… where you have to believe in nothi… or with Unitarian Universalism where you’re encouraged to believe… as much of everything as you like

You can die a million times Without a single ego death But one ego death is worth One God

Once I realized that I wasn’t afraid of sky diving just that my parachute wouldn’t op… I was able to conquer my fear without ever leaving the ground

She was so cool that even her periods were fashionably late