A wedding ring is a mood ring that never changes color reminding us that a husband should always feel

When I got my first honey-do list after the wedding I explained to my bride that I us… until I was bitten by one of the 5… that don’t make webs

In my experience it’s not necessarily true that one plus one must equal two The sum is nearly always

I can’t say I have wants and needs; mainly I don’t want to be needy

In all my years as warden I could never figure out how to co… with NFPA code 14.14.1.5.1- “Access to exits shall be marked b… readily visible signs in all cases…

I’ll give you the forest And I’ll take the trees You save the whales And I’ll keep the bees The sand in your eyes

My wife now relates to me very much as she does to stinky cheese

Hell is other people Purgatory is other people’s money Heaven is money

It’s only once You’ve submitted to God’s will That God will say Surprise Me

We subtract to find the difference But at bottom There is no difference Leaving it up to us To make a difference

I put out a comedy album Side A was called Wins Side B was called Losses Only one side was funny

I don’t know what being alone with your thoughts is like for you but for me it’s like I’m watching them

Living well Means accepting risk Living hell Is risk-free

Originally it was about Michael Bike and called Bike Rider

In becoming a celebrity a person meets the same kind of de… that a tree does in becoming a Christmas tree– embalmed in sugar