I won’t rest ‘til O– prah puts me on the cover of her magazine

When life gives you A bottomless pit Fill it with Bottomless fries

The sign used to say: Gentlemen may remove their hats All others must Now it reads: Ladies and gentlemen may wear thei…

Upon dying peacefully in my sleep surrounded by family after a long, prosperous life the Grim Reaper looked at me and… I’m glad to see you’ve arrived saf…

The human capacity for love is perfectly equaled by the human capacity for aggression The chances that these two traits would have been selected for

Civilization is an attempt to filibuster death

All the real archetypes are from the circus and I thought I was a clown until I found myself shot from a cannon

I will gladly suffer fools for love

The old playbook was all about helping you know the right time to go for it

The people will never accept the f… that the one thing missing from an effective conspiracy is conspir… so they keep looking for the inexi… always expecting to find them

The biggest risk of immortality is the lack of risk Chances are you’ll be bored to dea… for all eternity

Liberalism deepened by religion Religion widened by liberalism Until the body and soul politic Is so deep That it swallows our fears

7 in 10 Americans believe in heave… while only 6 in 10 believe in hell which is why the house always wins

If we’re being scientific, then The more certain you are that quan… The less certain you become as to… i.e., It works like a charm And if we’re being honest, when

Our task is never-ending And our time is limited This is a major source of complain… But consider the opposite possibil… Our work here is done