When anything you think Can and will be used against you The purpose of state-funded educat… Will be learning not to think As the doyens of higher learning

The turning point came after I pegged my happi– ness to the dollar

We are all of us unreliable narrators Some of us just make a living at it

Relationships are hard work unless you’ve preemptively announc… that you’re quitting but staying on as a volunteer

Life was once a high-wire act without a net Now it’s tennis without a net

Two roads diverged the one to the left leading up the garden path the one to the right leading down the garden path

We’ve taken the mystery out of lif… Which makes this a murder mystery Because in choosing immortality We are killing ourselves More accurately, then

It’s taken me this long to underst… like Pee Wee Herman I meant to do that though I’m still unsure why Because as hard as it’s been

Life as we know it Is a competition for status In this competition Socialists are unequaled As are you and I

They used to pay us A penny for our thoughts But then they realized We would pay them To think for us

When life gives you A bottomless pit Fill it with Bottomless fries

Tom Brady keeps a portrait of him… that is becoming progressively more likable

It could be the truth if it couldn’t go viral But it’s definitely pravda if it speeds our downward spiral

You’ll know you’ve weathered their gaslighting if you feel dazed but not confused

Our civilization is like an egg– It can withstand enormous pressure at the top (for the obvious reasons) and bottom