Self-flattery will get you everywhere but there’s nowhere left to go

There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and antisemitism

1. Make so much money you could he… 2. Remind yourself that “there’s n… 3. Tell yourself you need to feed… 4. Eat like kings

Like Ikea fur– niture, I am difficult to put together

I can’t say I have wants and needs; mainly I don’t want to be needy

If you cut off an arm you are left with a stump to which you affix a prosthetic If you cut off a face you are left with a mask

Denial was a lot easier when your head was in the clouds but your memories were stored on microfiche

People will only tell the truth when they think they can get away with it For example, perjury laws only wor… by publicly threatening jail time

When at last my colleagues convinced me to go out after work and I’d relaxed enough to drop my… everyone could finally see my helm…

A wise man once told me that there are two kinds of family prob… He said Family Problem #1 is not having a family

In the story of The boy who cried wolf There was no wolf Until there was And there still is

We hit it off: she’d declawed her cats and I’d plucked my cacti’s needles

That moment when you reclassify yourself from a mystery to an unsolved mystery

My constant sense of dread Was just a case Of perpetual stage fright In a never-ending performance of c… Now that I’ve dropped the act

You can’t be free of self-consciousness so you have to be free with self-consciousness; we call this condition