When they drew a winner It looked like we’d won By the luck of the draw But we came by our good fortune The honest way:

As the Zamboni driver erasing everything that just happe… so it can all happen again I am preparing for my own death

I grew up listening to Barbara St… You don’t bring me flowers anymore and determined I’d never make that… Ten years into marriage my wife sa… Don’t bring me flowers anymore

We think nothing’s shocking since we’ve seen it all when really it’s because we’re blind to the obvious

Human beings evolved to avoid face-to-face conflict which was why until very recently everybody was talking behind each…

Life used to be hard And that’s how we liked it So much that we used to say Hurry up and wait In the understanding that

Told to shut my mouth I took them literally Zipped my lips And held my breath Until I could stomach it no longe…

The Cheshire Cat and Schrodinger’s Cat couldn’t agree on a place to meet

In my second marriage I went all in on being authentic When she left she said that being with me

Ever since I got my first smartphone it feels like I’m visiting a museum and all the decent human beings

When anything you think Can and will be used against you The purpose of state-funded educat… Will be learning not to think As the doyens of higher learning

Our bodies are exactly as strong as gravity’s resistance makes them… in recognition of mortality we symbolize this through the know… that gravity is the weakest

“Life”, as it’s come to be known,… And ends with a grand finale But in between there’s just a lot… And grandiloquent small talk But there are grand plans for a se…

When randomness blends with lawfulness you get the Loch Ness

It’s all over but for the shouting and this is the shouting