My curated self has asked me for a divorce

I was the first ever lobster discovered in the wild with a rubber band around my claw clamping it shut

The last waltz isn’t over until they come waltzing back in

My children have no idea they are living through a golden age of comedy

The truth is true Is a tautology The truth is untried and true Is an etiology

Faith can only move mountains by ignoring mountains of evidence Like most people who’ve lost their… I’ve retained my ability to ignore mountains of evidence

Theoretically, Schrodinger’s Cat is both alive and dead at the same time In reality, cats have nine lives and one death

There was once a time when No Jews allowed Meant No Jews allowed But now they say

The difference between poisonous snakes and venomous human beings is that when the snake bites you and explains

The rise in sales of cruelty-free products exactly tracks the increased rate at which its consumers visit cruelty upon

There are two kinds of people in t… Those who believe in God And those who believe in God But also believe in God You can tell the latter

I used to pretend that Kafka’s The Trial was my favorite book but these days I bring a courtroom stenographer with me

A meaning than which nothing greater can be conceived must exist; it’s up to each of us to find it

I have a different problem: there are no feelings to express my words

Life = Trial by fire Death = Trial by firing squad